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Trip to the hardware store

So I wanted to buy some chain...

I bought a nice big candle and some suitably pinchy clothes pegs without attracting anyone’s suspicions. However getting hold of chain was another matter.

Chain might be a controversial choice of BDSM restraint. It’s less comfortable and less widely used than rope, and extra care is needed not to put too much pressure on any nerves in sensitive regions, such as around the back of the knees and front of the wrists. However, in my mind, there is something pleasantly permanent feeling about chains, as when combined with good padlocks and wrapped around a victim in the right way, there’s really no getting out of them without a key or bolt cutters. Both the permanent feeling and uncomfortable nature of chains can add to their appeal, so long as you don't mind some suspicious chain shaped marks the next day.

Where possible, I like to test restraints and other tools on myself first, and I had happily been playing with chains for some time before I arrived in NY (of course, I've never explored complete self-restraint as it is both tricky and seems like a terrible idea!). Chains are also relatively quick to deploy, as snapping a padlock shut is quicker and easier than fumbling with knots and long lengths of rope. Anyway, to begin my New York adventures I decided to start with the chain.

However, buying chains from a hardware store can get a little awkward. I think there are very few innocent uses a guy in New York could have for several lengths of metal chain. Especially when he doesn't really look like a handyman. I invented an almost believable story though. First I wandered into the hardware store and surveyed the shelves. No sign of any chain. I sauntered casually up to this short guy who was standing around as if he worked there.

“Hi!” I said “I’m looking for a safe box, or some metal box that I can just chain to pipes or a radiator to keep documents and stuff in. Nothing that valuable.”

“You wanna safe?”

“Yeah, or a metal box of some kind… and some chain to secure it with”

“Safes’re over there. Chain is in the basement. Come get me when you’re ready to get the chain. I’ll need to take you down.”

“Great thanks!”

I went off and made a show of inspecting the safes. They were all way heavier and more expensive than the sort of box I had in mind to cover my chain purchase. After a while I went back to the assistant at the counter where he was measuring out some aluminium pipe.

“You find what you want?”

“No, they’re all too big, but I think I saw what I wanted online. I’ll take some chain while I’m here though.”

“Ok, one sec.”

He led me to the basement, unlocking the cage like door at the bottom. He muttered something that sounded like a question.

“I’m sorry?” I said, but he ignored me and carried on into the basement, not saying anything else. Dusty shelves stretched off into the darkness sagging under the weight of piping, wood, and other construction materials.

“Mmhhmm,” the store guy said to himself, again unprompted.

‘Ok,’ I thought to myself, ‘I hope this dude isn’t crazy and about to torture and murder me in the bottom of the hardware store… being tortured and murdered in a basement of a hardware store by a short guy who talks to himself isn't on my list of fantasies.'

“Chain… chain, chain, chain...” he said, “Shit where do we keep the chain?”

He looked up and down the shelves. I looked a bit too while making sure I stayed behind him with a clear path to the exit. Every now and then he grunted another “mhmm” or "yeah"

“Aha. Here we go,” the dude said, pointing to a few spools of chain on a shelf under the stairs.

“What kinda size do you want?”

“Err I dunno, how much is it?”

“Oh it don’t say... but it ain’t expensive.”

I pointed to a spool of lightweight but sturdy looking chain.

 “That will do,” I said, “Can I get two 6 foot lengths[1]?”

“K… so I’m like 5 foot” he said spooling out the chain and measuring it roughly against himself.

I nodded. He cut the chain.

“Mmhmm. Yeah that bitch is crazy!” he said.

“Sorry?” I said, really confused at this point.

He ignored my confusion and continued with “Yeah, her and Charlene were really going at it last night at Johnny's place.” And while he was talking, he looked at me with a blank dismissive expression, as if he were talking to someone behind me.

Then I noticed the Bluetooth headphone he had in one ear.

“Oh, I seeee! Sorry!” I said, realising he wasn't crazy... just having a simultaneous conversation on his magic-ear-phone-device.

The shop assistant cut the second length of chain while continuing to talk to the ether about that mysterious “bitch who were crazy”. He then led me out of the basement and handed the chain to the guy working the checkout.

The checkout guy then asked, “What number is this?”

“Oh... Shoot! Man I forgot to check, one sec…” Said the assistant guy, disappearing off back to the basement. I stood by the checkout counter. The checkout guy stood on the other side. The chains sat there in between us. I maintained the facial expression I like to call “polite English smiling face”. I thought about telling the counter guy my story about how I needed to secure a metal box to protect some documents... but that I couldn't find a metal box... so I just bought some chain…

He didn't ask what I was buying chain for though, so I just stood there, smile affixed. Eventually the “assistant” guy returned and relayed a product number, (which could have been anything as far as I knew). Checkout guy entered the number into the machine. “That’ll be 68 dollars” he said.

“68 dollars? What the fuck happened there? That dickhead over there said this stuff wasn’t expensive!” I said… to myself… in my head… while handing over my debit card silently.


[1] Two 6ft lengths weren’t really enough, I ordered another 15 m off the internet a month or so later... It was much cheaper and less awkward!

Getting dates strategy two - Be a kinky sex master!

#BDSM #sex #love #Englishman #NewYork #onlinedating
Sex is pretty fun.

I gather that it's popular too.

However just because something is fun doesn't mean it can’t be improved upon.

I mostly have Okcupid to blame for my descent into widespread deviancy (well, aside from my own innate perversion that is), as in order to find dates with whom you share some common ground, Okcupid gets you to answer many multiple choice questions. Topics include; your political and religious beliefs, what kinds of food you eat, whether you like beards, how you feel about camping, etc etc. It also asks you a surprising number of questions about sex. These questions can range from the innocuous “Would you have sex before marriage?” to the less innocuous “Would you ever be prepared to cut someone during sexual play?”

When I first came across questions like “Would you rather be tied up or do the tying?”... I was a little surprised. At first I thought it best to skip these questions as A) I imagined a lot of nice dateable girls would be put off meeting a guy who has a penchant for either tying girls up or being tied down himself, and B) what if work colleagues/ future employers/ family members were to stumble across my Okcupid profile? I didn’t know what would actually happen if information about my sexual fantasies escaped into the public domain, but it seemed likely that there would be negative consequences of some kind.

However, as I browsed through profiles, I noticed a large number of girls had answered a lot of these questions. I could only see their answers if I’d answered the questions myself, but if you answer enough questions on a certain topic, Okcupid creates a little bar chart graphing your “kinkiness” and “interest in sex” (amongst other less interesting personality ratings). In my endless flicking through online dating profiles, I came across quite a few nice, normal looking girls on Okcupid with very strong kinkiness ratings. This definitely caught my attention.

Even more unexpectedly, I came across various profiles set up by girls with the expressed purpose of finding kinky sex partners. I’d normally say that if something seems to be too good to true on the Internet, it probably is. However, these profiles really did seem like genuine people and not people out to sell sex. (Prostitutes must get enough business in NY without needing to resort to dating websites).

When I first saw these kinky profiles though, my reaction was “Oh no, I’m not interested in that.”

...but then after a few minutes browsing... “Let’s just take another look at that kinky girl with pictures in her underwear”...

...“Nah, that’s definitely too good to be true… and besides I’m looking for more of an emotional connection than that…”

...Some more browsing, a few more messages sent to attractive chicks who never replied, and I found myself thinking, “... hmm I could totally go for some kinky sex right about now...”

So of course I eventually started messaging the girls with the kinky sex profiles too. I don’t think I ever got replies from them at that point, perhaps because a nerdy English guy who hadn't answered any of Okcupid’s sex questions wasn't exactly what they were looking for.

And so it came to pass that I decided to create a second, more anonymous, Okcupid account. There are several reasons I use to justify this, and which reason I lead with usually depends on the company I’m in. They are as follows:

1.       I wanted to find out how other Okcupid members had answered various sex related questions without having to answer them on my normal profile and scaring off the sweet innocent types.
2.       I wanted to experiment to see if it was possible to attract women primarily using sex as a lure.
3.       I wanted to experiment with meeting people by sharing my most secret desires right at the start, in the hope that this would build better and more honest connections from the outset.
4.       I wanted to find people to have awesome kinky sex with.

So I thought up a suitably cheesy profile name, set up my tripod and camera so as to take some pictures of myself without a shirt on, (tripod picture = way more respectable than a selfie snapped in a mirror). I cropped out my head to remain anonymous and then converted these headless torso pictures to black and white so they looked slightly classier.

Then it was time to write some words. Describing your own sexual desires in a way that sounds simultaneously appealing and non-threatening is a bit of a tricky balancing act. Especially when those desires involve BDSM.

Now I feel the time has come when I need to give you a little more detail on what my sexual interests actually are. In BDSM terminology some might consider me a “switch”, which means someone who enjoys both the dominant and submissive roles. Originally, my fantasies were submissive in nature and it’s hard to say when they first began. I haven’t fully got to grips with the psychology of it (I’ll ramble about this later), but I do know that I was tying myself up with dressing gown cords before I even figured out how to jerk off like a normal person.

For a long while these desires stayed private and reserved for ‘alone time’. Then, when I was in my early twenties I met a girl who also had submissive interests of her own, and was bold enough to talk about them with me. Until that point I’d never really let myself consider dominating someone, but meeting a girl who was genuinely interested in submission turned my mind onto new fantasies of being in control, as they now felt somehow legitimised.

One reason I hadn't really dwelled on these fantasies before is that I imagined the ‘Dom’ or 'Top' mentality to be dangerously aligned with how I imagined the unstable mind-set of an abusive husband, rapist, or generally evil person. While I can’t speak for everyone out there, my experience has been that these mind-sets are as separate from each other as oil and water. It might also be worth pointing out ‘for the record’ that, since I started exploring my dominant side, I have not felt the slightest bit inclined towards actually assaulting anybody. For me, a girl’s consent to tie her up and cause her pain is the lynchpin that makes any given scenario erotic. There seems to be something in the exchange of power and trust involved that is crucial to the eroticism of BDSM, at least for me.

My instincts told me that if I wanted to get any significant interest in my kink profile on Okcupid I should advertise that I’m looking for girls to dominate rather than girls to submit to[1]. So I wrote a quick summary of my interests, stating quite clearly that I was looking for damsels interested in distress. From the ‘looking for’ options I selected ‘short-term dating’, ‘long-term dating’, ‘casual sex’, and ‘new friends’. I made it clear that I considered myself a feminist and my desires weren't about degrading women, that I would never force anyone to do anything they weren't happy with, and that I could be thought of as a safe pair of hands to explore whatever fantasies a girl was secretly entertaining.

All the information I included was true, although I may have exaggerated my height to 5’ 11 instead of 5’ 10, and I left out most of the personal details that could give me away as a science geek[2].

I combined this spiel with the pictures of my torso, and then I released my new creation into the world. Putting my darkest sexual desires on the Internet got me a little excited, so I dealt with that. After flushing the tissues I switched off my computer and went to bed.

The next morning I checked my email. A few minutes later my brain exploded. Dear 'terrible-kinky-profile-username' you have a new message from Ms-Melody[3]. I squinted at the attractive, if slightly pouty looking, thumbnail of Ms-Melody. Her other profile photos looked pretty attractive too, even if she didn't exactly look happy in any of them[4].

Her message read:

“I am quite interested in being dominated and the main thing that attracted me to you (or what I can see of you) is that you obviously know what you are doing, and understand the exchange of power is about trust etc… But I want to learn all about this, Id love to be your little slave ha”

“WAAAAAT?! THIS SHIT ACTUALLY WORKED?!?!” I said out loud… to an empty room…

After I had taken a moment to calm down, I showered. Then I went to work and resisted checking the account for the rest of the day. That evening I replied to Ms-Melody and our conversation carried on for the rest of the week. I don’t think I had been as aroused by something on my computer screen that much since I first discovered porn on the Internet[5].

I told her various things I’d like to do to her. A couple of times she didn’t reply for a while and I thought I might have scared her off, but she came back eventually, just blaming her quietness on being busy. I politely suggested that I wanted to chain her down, spank her, and drip hot candle wax all over her body while she was helpless to stop me. She seemed to react positively to this suggestion, and so I proposed that we meet.

This all seemed to be working far too well. However, at that point I had only been in New York a couple of months and I did not own either chains or candles, which somewhat limited my ability to realise this fantasy.

It was time for a trip to the hardware store!

[1] Instinct based on my understanding that also that society primes many women for submission (probably) and the recent popularity of a reportedly terrible book that I have never read.
[2] Oh when I put “providing multiple orgasms” in the “I’m really good at” section this may have been based on a limited sample size… and the disclaimer “effects may vary from user to user” perhaps should have been added later.
[3] No, not a real username… at least not when I last checked!
[4]  Her’s was also a “normal” profile, not one of the casual sex ones I mentioned earlier.
[5] And damn that's a long time ago. It was back in the days of dial up modems, when it took an hour to download a 1 minute video, and everyone was naive about the curse of “Internet history”.