Sex is pretty fun.
I gather that it's popular too.
However just because something is fun doesn't mean it can’t
be improved upon.
I mostly have Okcupid to blame for my descent into
widespread deviancy (well, aside from my own innate perversion that is), as in
order to find dates with whom you share some common ground, Okcupid gets you to
answer many multiple choice questions. Topics include; your political and
religious beliefs, what kinds of food you eat, whether you like beards, how you
feel about camping, etc etc. It also asks you a surprising number of questions
about sex. These questions can range from the innocuous “Would you have sex
before marriage?” to the less innocuous “Would you ever be prepared to cut
someone during sexual play?”
When I first came across questions like “Would you rather be
tied up or do the tying?”... I was a little surprised. At first I thought it
best to skip these questions as A) I imagined a lot of nice dateable girls would
be put off meeting a guy who has a penchant for either tying girls up or being
tied down himself, and B) what if work colleagues/ future employers/ family
members were to stumble across my Okcupid profile? I didn’t know what would
actually happen if information about my sexual fantasies escaped into the
public domain, but it seemed likely that there would be negative consequences
of some kind.
However, as I browsed through profiles, I noticed a large
number of girls had answered a lot of these questions. I could only see their
answers if I’d answered the questions myself, but if you answer enough
questions on a certain topic, Okcupid creates a little bar chart graphing your
“kinkiness” and “interest in sex” (amongst other less interesting personality
ratings). In my endless flicking through online dating profiles, I came across
quite a few nice, normal looking girls on Okcupid with very strong kinkiness
ratings. This definitely caught my attention.
Even more unexpectedly, I came across various profiles set
up by girls with the expressed purpose of finding kinky sex partners. I’d
normally say that if something seems to be too good to true on the Internet, it
probably is. However, these profiles really did seem like genuine people and
not people out to sell sex. (Prostitutes must get enough business in NY without
needing to resort to dating websites).
When I first saw these kinky profiles though, my reaction
was “Oh no, I’m not interested in that.”
...but then after a few minutes browsing... “Let’s just take
another look at that kinky girl with pictures in her underwear”...
...“Nah, that’s definitely too good to be true… and besides
I’m looking for more of an emotional connection than that…”
...Some more browsing, a few more messages sent to attractive
chicks who never replied, and I found myself thinking, “... hmm I could totally
go for some kinky sex right about now...”
So of course I eventually started messaging the girls with
the kinky sex profiles too. I don’t think I ever got replies from them at that
point, perhaps because a nerdy English guy who hadn't answered any of Okcupid’s
sex questions wasn't exactly what they were looking for.
And so it came to pass that I decided to create a second,
more anonymous, Okcupid account. There are several reasons I use to justify
this, and which reason I lead with usually depends on the company I’m in. They
are as follows:
1. I
wanted to find out how other Okcupid members had answered various sex related
questions without having to answer them on my normal profile and scaring off
the sweet innocent types.
2. I
wanted to experiment to see if it was possible to attract women primarily using
sex as a lure.
3. I
wanted to experiment with meeting people by sharing my most secret desires
right at the start, in the hope that this would build better and more honest
connections from the outset.
4. I
wanted to find people to have awesome kinky sex with.
So I thought up a suitably cheesy profile name, set up my
tripod and camera so as to take some pictures of myself without a shirt on,
(tripod picture = way more respectable than a selfie snapped in a mirror). I
cropped out my head to remain anonymous and then converted these headless torso
pictures to black and white so they looked slightly classier.
Then it was time to write some words. Describing your own
sexual desires in a way that sounds simultaneously appealing and
non-threatening is a bit of a tricky balancing act. Especially when those
desires involve BDSM.
Now I feel the time has come when I need to give you a little
more detail on what my sexual interests actually are. In BDSM terminology some
might consider me a “switch”, which means someone who enjoys both the dominant
and submissive roles. Originally, my fantasies were submissive in nature and
it’s hard to say when they first began. I haven’t fully got to grips with the
psychology of it (I’ll ramble about this later), but I do know that I was tying
myself up with dressing gown cords before I even figured out how to jerk off
like a normal person.
For a long while these desires stayed private and reserved
for ‘alone time’. Then, when I was in my early twenties I met a girl who also
had submissive interests of her own, and was bold enough to talk about them
with me. Until that point I’d never really let myself consider dominating
someone, but meeting a girl who was genuinely interested in submission turned
my mind onto new fantasies of being in control, as they now felt somehow
legitimised.
One reason I hadn't really dwelled on these fantasies before
is that I imagined the ‘Dom’ or 'Top' mentality to be dangerously aligned with
how I imagined the unstable mind-set of an abusive husband, rapist, or
generally evil person. While I can’t speak for everyone out there, my
experience has been that these mind-sets are as separate from each other as oil
and water. It might also be worth pointing out ‘for the record’ that, since I
started exploring my dominant side, I have not felt the slightest bit inclined
towards actually assaulting anybody. For me, a girl’s consent to tie her up and
cause her pain is the lynchpin that makes any given scenario erotic. There
seems to be something in the exchange of power and trust involved that is
crucial to the eroticism of BDSM, at least for me.
My instincts told me that if I wanted to get any significant
interest in my kink profile on Okcupid I should advertise that I’m looking for
girls to dominate rather than girls to submit to[1]. So
I wrote a quick summary of my interests, stating quite clearly that I was
looking for damsels interested in distress. From the ‘looking for’ options I
selected ‘short-term dating’, ‘long-term dating’, ‘casual sex’, and ‘new
friends’. I made it clear that I considered myself a feminist and my desires
weren't about degrading women, that I would never force anyone to do anything
they weren't happy with, and that I could be thought of as a safe pair of hands
to explore whatever fantasies a girl was secretly entertaining.
All the information I included was true, although I may have
exaggerated my height to 5’ 11 instead of 5’ 10, and I left out most of the
personal details that could give me away as a science geek[2].
I combined this spiel with the pictures of my torso, and
then I released my new creation into the world. Putting my darkest sexual
desires on the Internet got me a little excited, so I dealt with that. After
flushing the tissues I switched off my computer and went to bed.
The next morning I checked my email. A few minutes later my
brain exploded. Dear 'terrible-kinky-profile-username'
you have a new message from Ms-Melody[3]. I
squinted at the attractive, if slightly pouty looking, thumbnail of Ms-Melody.
Her other profile photos looked pretty attractive too, even if she didn't
exactly look happy in any of them[4].
Her message read:
“I am quite interested
in being dominated and the main thing that attracted me to you (or what I can
see of you) is that you obviously know what you are doing, and understand the
exchange of power is about trust etc… But I want to learn all about this, Id
love to be your little slave ha”
“WAAAAAT?! THIS SHIT ACTUALLY WORKED?!?!” I said out loud…
to an empty room…
After I had taken a moment to calm down, I showered. Then I
went to work and resisted checking the account for the rest of the day. That
evening I replied to Ms-Melody and our conversation carried on for the rest of
the week. I don’t think I had been as aroused by something on my computer
screen that much since I first discovered porn on the Internet[5].
I told her various things I’d like to do to her. A couple of
times she didn’t reply for a while and I thought I might have scared her off,
but she came back eventually, just blaming her quietness on being busy. I
politely suggested that I wanted to chain her down, spank her, and drip hot
candle wax all over her body while she was helpless to stop me. She seemed to
react positively to this suggestion, and so I proposed that we meet.
This all seemed to be working far too well. However, at that
point I had only been in New York a couple of months and I did not own either
chains or candles, which somewhat limited my ability to realise this fantasy.
It was time for a trip to the hardware store!
[1]
Instinct based on my understanding that also that society primes many women for
submission (probably) and the recent popularity of a reportedly terrible book
that I have never read.
[2]
Oh when I put “providing multiple orgasms” in the “I’m really good at” section
this may have been based on a limited sample size… and the disclaimer “effects
may vary from user to user” perhaps should have been added later.
[3]
No, not a real username… at least not when I last checked!
[4] Her’s was also a “normal” profile, not one of
the casual sex ones I mentioned earlier.
[5]
And damn that's a long time ago. It was back in the days of dial up modems,
when it took an hour to download a 1 minute video, and everyone was naive about
the curse of “Internet history”.
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