At this point I'm not knowledgeable enough to attempt full suspension type bondage, and I know this can be dangerous and requires badass rope skills, but I have some other, less extreme, schemes in mind that made this project seem worthwhile!
Anyway this is the story of my hard-point building adventure, presented in the form of instructions for repeating my feat... if you wish to be so foolish. (They don’t teach you this shit on blue peter after all!)
*DISCLAIMER- This is probably a bad idea. Don’t do it.*
How to build the Tuttlesmith Hard-point
You will need:
A sturdy and secure beam in your attic that is positioned conveniently above your bed:
(Failing that you can install something that spans a bunch of ceiling trusses like this. Using individual weak-ass ceiling trusses is a definite no no!)
You will also need: Something to drill holes in your ceiling with. Some straps designed to withstand at least double a human’s weight, which can be dangled through those holes, (I went for some hammock supporting straps from amazon). And finally something to cover over the holes with.
(Amazon better appreciate the free advertising!)
Step one: Put down something to catch the dust...
A rubber sex sheet is not necessary for this, but if it’s the nearest thing to hand then it seems like a viable option...
Step two: Figure out where to drill the holes!
Safety note: when bumbling around in an attic it is important to remember not to fall through the ceiling. Take care locating sturdy wooden ceiling trusses to stand on and don’t put all your weight on one truss. (Ideally put down boards to spread your weight). Make sure you can maintain your balance when wielding random tools. Peel back any insulation to access the ceiling panels but wear gloves and a dust mask as fibreglass is itchy bad.
Locate (/build) super strong beam. Wrap straps around this beam and let them hang down to figure out where they hit the plasterboard below. Check there is no electrical wiring or other sensitive stuff anywhere nearby where you plan to drill that could make you dead, then drill little wee holes to act as markers in the ceiling. (I wanted to drill up from below with the big circular drill instead of down from above as there’s a greater chance it will make a mess when exiting the panelling than entering)
Step three: BIG DRILLIN TIME!
Go back to bedroom and locate guide holes made above ^.
Equip electric drill with circular whizzy thing (matching the diameter of your hole disguises)… Test the drill trigger, watch it buzz, and feel afraid.
Before driving a powerful electric drilly thing into plasterboard above your head it is wise to appreciate that bits of plaster will probably fly everywhere including into your eyes if you are unable to resist looking up at the carnage you are creating. Therefore some kind of eye protection is advised…
I mean a creepy gas mask is definitely unnecessary, but you’d be surprised the number of things that baby comes in useful for...
(Other uses for creepy gas mask include but are not limited to: Cutting onions. Freaking out your house mate. Spraying anti-mold spray into high places above your head. And even surviving nuclear/chemical/biological terrorist attacks.)
Find a safe place to stand (use a ladder if ceiling is high… Standing on the bed like I did is probably not ideal, but if you’re a reckless mo-fo like me just try not to slip on any oily patches on your rubber sex sheet…) Also always keep the ‘safety’ switch toggled on the drill until you’re ready to use it!
Locate big central drill bit into little guide drill hole.
Say “Here goes nothing!”
Pull the trigger and drive that sucker home. (Careful now)
Plasterboard may resist and drill head may stop spinning. Grit teeth and continue to wreck your ceiling by pulling the drill out a little and then pushing it back in again…
Say “Oh jesus what the fuck am I doing!” out loud and plasterboard rains down around you, spraying everywhere and far exceeding the spread on your rubber sheeting.
Feel relief as you finally breach the ceiling that was much thicker and tougher than you expected.
Marvel at the amount of mess you have made in such a short time:
If the first hole wasn’t too traumatic, carry on and drill another one!
Step four: HIDE THE EVIDENCE
Insert desk cable organiser things into the holes you have made and hope your parents never ask you “Why do you have two weird disks in your ceiling?” (Covering hard point holes with fake fire alarms may be an alternative but two fire alarms above my bed seemed excessive…)
Step five: Get it all dangling...
Return to attic. Loop straps around big beam to get an appropriate length and dangle through the holes.
Continue to not fall through the ceiling.
Step six: Tidy
Replace hole disguises (with some difficulty). Get vacuum out and try to deal with the massive amounts of mess you have made.
Step seven: Sleep
Go to bed and go to sleep while enjoying the self-satisfaction of having achieved something combined with a quiet unease as to whether you have just significantly decreased the value of your property.
Step eight: Awake
At about 3am get hit in the face by a falling white plastic hole-disguiser that decided it didn’t like being in your ceiling that much after all.
The next morning drill several holes in it in revenge (using a small hand drill, and your knees carefully deployed in a vice like manner). Repeat for non-offending plastic hole-disguiser. Push them both back into the ceiling.
Return to the bloody attic with a hammer and nails.
Go to hammer the first nail into offending hole-disguise and watch in annoyance as the hole-disguise falls back through the hole. Realise that using a hammer and nails is quite hard when balancing on attic ceiling trusses.
Go back down the ladder, put hole-disguise back in hole, go back up ladder. Nail that mutha-fucker in there properly this time.
Repeat for second hole-disguise (Including the going-up-and-down-ladder bit because yes you accidentally knocked that one through the hole as well).
Add some glue around the sides of the hole disguisers just to make sure they're not going to fall out and hit you in the face again. Then put the insulation back as you found it. Get out of the damned attic before your knees give out on you from all the crouching. Go back into the damned attic because you left your drill up there.
Continue to not fall through the ceiling.
And finally…
Profit!
(Rope bunny acquired separately; sadly they do not magically appear as soon as you build a hard-point!)
