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How to find the kinky person of your dreams on the internet.


The Lovely Belle originally hosted this as guest post on her awesome blog 'Not Just sex' back in 2015, but the page seems to have gone down. I've put my saved version of it below:


Our culture is a strange thing; someone writes a clunky piece of twilight fan fiction one day, then everyone is clamouring to talk about BDSM the next. For those of you not in the know, or mercifully protected from the 50 shades phenomenon, BDSM stands for ‘Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, & Masochism’, (Dominance & Submission can also be thrown in there thanks to some cunning letter redundancy).

BDSM covers a range of practices that have been around for centuries, but mostly confined to the shadows of sinful deviancy for much of our recent history. Now it seems they are back with a vengeance, except that these days we have the internet, and with it comes the thrilling/terrifying possibility of being able to easily find people that want to actually act out our darkest fantasies with us.

What’s that? You don’t have any dark fantasies? Sure, whatever you say!

Being new to kink can certainly be daunting, and questions such as; ‘Will I get murdered?’ ‘Will I accidentally hurt someone?’ ‘Will I have my organs stolen?’ are all very healthy questions and asking them should definitely be encouraged.

I’ve been exploring kink through the medium of online dating for just over two and a half years now. It’s been a pretty wild ride and I’ve been fortunate enough to meet some great play partners along the way. I’ve definitely learnt quite a lot from dating in New York, so here are my tips I’ve picked up from personal experience as well as things I’ve read here and there. Some of these tips may sound a little generic, but sometimes it’s worth stating the obvious. Hopefully most of this advice is written in a way that should be relevant across gender divides and the spectrum of dominance and submission.

1 - Be smart and safe

Some people may well get a kick out of risk and they may get turned on by the idea of putting themselves out on a limb by going over to some strangers apartment to be tied up and abused. While their excitement is perhaps understandable on some level it is obviously not smart to risk life and limb just for a kinky thrill, especially not without taking precautions. There really are monsters out there, so don’t throw away all the kinky fun times you could have in the future for one reckless evening with a psycho.

If you’re feeling moderately brave and live somewhere metropolitan the best way to meet people is probably through your local kink community. You can usually find out about relaxed socials called ‘munches’ through fetlife (which is like facebook for kinky people), and these events can be a good way to suss out potential partners and make friends before going along to more intense play parties etc. Engaging with these BDSM communities is probably the best way to learn and meet strangers with compatible interests. However, it can seem intimidating and downright weird to a lot of people so it’s definitely not for everyone. Also don’t assume that just because you met someone through a BDSM community that they are safe and ‘vetted’, I’ve read plenty of horror stories on fetlife about consent violators who hang out in these communities and get away with abuses. Sometimes they may even occupy positions of authority and trust, so don’t be ashamed to ask around in the community about someone before you trust them yourself.

Perhaps munches don’t sound like your thing and you only want to confide your kinky secrets in one person. Fair enough, looks like your best bet online dating then. As with all online dating, it’s best to meet somewhere public first where you can chat and figure out if your date is the right kind of crazy. (Hint; if they resemble Christian Grey in that they seem shallow, stalky, obsessive, and generally too used to getting what they want, then get out of there!)

When interacting with someone keep an eye out for ‘red flags’ and if your date says something that worries you then get them to clarify. Don’t be afraid to take your time getting to know someone before exploring your kink together. Admittedly there is often a certain thrill in a first meeting that can be lost once you part ways, it can be good to ride out that first date energy. However, if you’re reluctant, and your date tries to manipulate you or make you feel guilty for not giving them the kinky sex they want, then that is a blazing a red flag. It’s your body and no one is entitled to it just because they came out for a meeting and you had some conversations that turned them on.

Finally, if you’re unable to resist a mad urge to dash over to a stranger's place for some kinky fun, at least tell someone trustworthy where you are going and who you are going to see! If possible set up a “safe call” where you promise to check in with someone after a certain amount of time, and tell your date that you’re going to do this. Sure kinky sex is great, but it’s obviously not worth risking your life for.


2 - Be true to yourself

Something to remember when diving down the BDSM rabbit hole is not to let anyone tell you what you are and what you are not.

It seems odd to have to point this out, but  ironically for a non-conformist subculture there can be a lot of pressure to conform to certain expectations. “True dominants don’t go down on girls”, “Real submissives should only speak when spoken to”, “Switches are just indecisive”, this kind of bullshit floats around kink like wasps around jam. I am of the general opinion that personality labels are effectively pointless, but even if they do have value people who say things like ‘true doms should do this’ and ‘true subs should do that’ are either arrogant tools trying to assert themselves, or worse; they are trying to manipulate you into matching their own selfish fantasies.

It’s also important to remember that BDSM is not a competition; some people may enjoy more extreme things, some people may prefer to keep things light, and as you get to know someone you’ll learn to calibrate their limits and pleasures. Just because someone can take more pain than you or administers a more brutal spanking does not make them “better at kink” than you are. It might just make them more familiar with awkward trips to A&E.

Everyone has their different pain and pleasure thresholds that can vary dramatically day by day. If dominating someone it’s important to be able to read someone’s responses in order to gauge how much pain to inflict. It also shouldn’t feel like you’ll get ‘points’ based on the sizes of the bruises you leave behind. Maybe by saying this I’m singling myself out as not a ‘true dom’ to some, but I can live with that, and I’m definitely not saying that leaving bruises can’t be fun…

Self confidence can be an incredibly attractive and sexy quality in itself, regardless of how you identify, so try to get comfortable in your own skin and inside your own head, although I know this can be hard. Let the judgement of ignorant people wash over you; you’re the only person who has to live your life so make it the life you want to live!

3 - Be patient

As the saying goes “there are plenty of fish in the sea”. However, there are also plenty of other unpleasant creatures in there too, which, if caught, are best thrown back in as swiftly as possible. Real life isn’t a hollywood romcom; it’s a cruel and chaotic world we live in and the loves of our lives aren’t always going to fall into our laps. I think it can help to accept this and not take it too personally when things don’t go your way.

Sometimes online dating can feel like a never ending search for “the one”, but it’s like that for most of us. You are not alone, and even if you don’t find the one that shouldn’t stop you from having some fun along the way. Try to appreciate the people you get to know, even if not all of the chemistry you need is there to make it last.

It is also wise to be patient when trying different things in the bedroom. A lot of BDSM activities can carry real risks and require certain skills to perform safely. These skills can take time to learn and shouldn’t be rushed into just because you saw someone do it on kink.com and it looked hot.

4 - Be Honest and Ethical

Trust is one of the most important elements that reinforces all human relationships, but it is particularly important when BDSM is involved. If you let someone tie you up you are trusting them with a lot more than just your feelings. Similarly if you tie someone up you’re trusting them to tell you when they want to be untied, which might not sound like such a big deal, but gets kind of scary from a consent perspective.

Lies undermine that vital trust, even small ones. We may all tell little ones here and there to preserve people's feelings, but if we start to establish a pattern of deceit we are more than likely going to hurt everyone more in the long run. Being consistently honest takes courage, and sometimes saying nothing can seem the easiest way to avoid either lying or telling a painful truth. However, remaining silent can also be a hurtful, especially if it drags out an already painful situation.

As for the ethical side of things; it’s not rocket science! Treat others in the same way as you would want to be treated. Being a dom isn’t a licence to be an arsehole and being a sub isn’t a licence to abdicate all personal responsibility. We may all be different in our tastes, but we are equal in our rights and agency, (or at least we should be, backwards ideas notwithstanding). It’s safe to assume that if you’re treating someone in a selfish way that’s going to be detrimental to someone else's life, then you are not being ethical, even if they have clearly consented to being treated in that way.

At the end of the day we all have to live on this planet, and while like me you may not believe in karma in the spiritual sense, if you treat one person badly they are then more likely to treat someone else badly, and so on and so on, until it comes back to hurt all of us one way or another.

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Well I think that’s my top tips done. The internet is overflowing with advice on how to do particular BDSM things so take your time and have a good long browse! Also keep an eye out for local classes organised by your kink community as they can be a fun way to learn and meet people at the same time.

Oh, one final suggestion. Don’t forget to Be Bad :)