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What one Englishman learnt from 2 years of online dating in New York - Part 2

Lesson 2 - Girls like sex too!

(Click here for part 1)

Shocking title huh? From the way courtship and seduction has historically been talked about anyone would think that sex is the horrible ordeal for girls, which they have to be persuaded to go through in exchange for marriage or some other righteous reward. Hopefully in this day and age most people have realised that this is hogwash and that sex can and should be a mutually gratifying experience. However what I didn’t realise until I moved to New York is that a large number of women will actually date primarily out of a desire to find good sex [1], and for them finding a relationship is a secondary ambition, or even superfluous.

Of course for women the requirements for ‘good sex’ can be significantly more stringent than they are for men. And when I say that girls are looking for good sex; they are not out looking for five minutes of awkward humping followed by ten minutes of soothing your ego. For many women looking for sex might seem like a buyers market, but it’s also a market where it’s difficult to predict whether a guy is going to be good in bed, or bad in bed... or a serial killer.

So if you’re a guy don’t get over excited by the revelation that there are girls out there looking for casual sex, it’s unlikely that a message along the lines of ‘Hey babe, wanna fuck?’ is going to cut the mustard. Projecting confidence, intelligence, and generally not sounding too much like a murderous rapist is also generally recommended.

Another thing I have learned from my New York dating spree is that apparently the presence and number of female orgasms is not an infallible metric of the quality of the sex. Some girls cum easily, some cum with difficulty, and some hardly ever cum at all (but this does not mean they don’t enjoy sex). I am also told that women experience great variability in the intensity of their orgasms and may in fact experience multiple types of orgasm, (although at present the science of orgasm defining still seems somewhat vague...)

Unfortunately for someone attempting to induce one or ten of these climaxes it seems to me that spotting when a girl achieves orgasm can also be remarkably difficult. Don’t get me wrong, it can also be really fucking obvious; if everything contracts incredibly tightly and she drenches your sheets, then that’s a pretty good sign. However everyone is different; one individual might make incredibly animalistic and orgasmic noises while she digs her nails into you so hard that they draw blood, but it still might turn out she was just having a lot of orgasm free fun. Conversely a girl might murmur quietly among the pillows and perhaps after a while her inner thigh will start to twitch a little, and so you look up and ask her if she’s close, and then find out she’s climaxed multiple times already, (but that doesn’t mean you should stop!)

So what does all this mean for someone attempting to be good at sex? I guess my advice would be ‘keep calm and carry on’... (advice that is applicable to many many things)... Is that helpful? Maybe don’t over-think sex and get desperately focused on trying to give a girl X many orgasms as quickly as possible. If you’re treating sex as a task with goals and strategies and accounts to be kept that may inhibit some of the spontaneous greatness of it. Probably the worst thing you can do if you’re sleeping with someone who has difficulty achieving orgasm is to make a big deal out of giving her one; that kind of psychological pressure is only going to make it harder and encourage her to fake it. If she feels she has to lie about that sort of thing that’s definitely going to make it harder to improve the sex life in the future. Communication and all that.

So apart from ‘keeping calm and carrying on’ what else had New York taught me about doing sex good? I would not claim that 2 years of dating has turned me into some kind of ‘sexpert’, and for me the word ‘sexpert’ inspires a kind of gag reflex born out of disdain for anyone who would be arrogant enough to call themselves by such a title [2]. In fact maybe I’m just shit at sex and no one has had the heart to tell me yet, but personally I don’t think having good sex is that hard. Just be open minded and non-judgemental, and learn to read your partner and respond appropriately, oh and try to stay in the game for a respectable length of time! [3]

The problem is that society has invented so much bizarre stigma around sex that it fuels our our collective self-consciousness, which I think disconnects us from each other. Maybe it’s all some ancient and complex plot formulated to keep the masses dissatisfied, frustrated and ‘motivated’, and maybe now this frustration helps drive our pointless materialist culture of status symbol consumption… However I digress.

Most people like sex and I everyone needs to get over this. Obviously there are dangers to it, especially if it becomes an obsessive pursuit, but perhaps people have problems putting sex in its proper place because its conventional place has been THAT TERRIBLE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER DO (except when you’re married, then it’s fine for some reason...). We seem to be getting over some of the stigma around sex these days but our attitudes are very much in flux. Sometimes sex seems like THAT AMAZING THING YOU SHOULD DO ALL THE TIME AND IS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS AND IF YOU DON’T HAVE IT A LOT YOU ARE WORTHLESS AND MIGHT AS WELL DIE. I think that as well as accepting sex we need to chill the fuck out about it. Yes, sex is bloody great, but at the end of it all you are left with are the memories, some moist sheets, and, depending on your due diligence, the chance of offspring or an STD. Similarly a lot of emphasis seems to be put on sex as the maker or breaker or human connection, as if there’s something magic about it that cements the bond between two people and if it’s not mind blowing all the time a relationship isn’t meant to be. This also seems unrealistic; sex is just a part of a much bigger picture and unlike a lot of things that might cause incompatibility between two people at least sex is something that can be improved upon and isn't always dependant on personality.

So what are specific sex skills you can improve on reading this at home? Well the best person to ask is probably the person you’re sexing, and for almost 100% of you that is not me.


Both genders seem to lose their shit about sex. I managed to turn this to my advantage when dating in New York as I set up a profile offering girls kinky fun times and it was surprisingly successful. (More details on that here). Kink is another thing that people seem to lose their shit about and all kinds of myths and fantasies completely distort the often very sane, safe, and consensual things that people actually do. A lot of folks also seem to think that having kinky fantasies is somehow ‘fucked up’ and that it reflects some deficit in the psychology of whoever has them. I believe this is total bullshit and I met a massive variety of personalities through my kink profile that I couldn’t even come close to grouping let alone labelling as one thing or another, but you can read my book and judge for yourself.

So yeah, a big thing I learned from New York is that a lot of different girls will have kinky sex with you if you just ask nicely… Well maybe not overly ‘nicely’, but if you ask them in an assured and confident way that doesn’t creep them out and make you sound like a manipulative uber jerk or serial killer. (Maybe the serial killer/uber jerk routine sometimes works as well but I didn’t want to go down that road.) Oh and having an English accent helps too.

Does New York dating sound pretty great to you now? Kinky sex here there and everywhere? Well it definitely has its moments. However the biggest lesson I learned from from dating in New York was not how to smoothly get a girl into bed, or how best to tie her arms together, or how to sext, or flog, or spank, or fuck. I spend most of my book trying to subtly establish in this lesson in the background through various rambles and tales of dating haps and mishaps, but if you’re not a fan of subtlety and just want me to spit-it-the-fuck-out-already the lesson is this:

“Man cannot live on kinky sex alone.”

And I’ll explain a bit more on what I mean by that in the next post...

Lesson 3 - Wistful observations about the changing nature of human connection.



[1] If you think that this is bad and that sexually liberated women are somehow bad people or deserving of shame, then I get the feeling we’re not going to get on.

[2] Although I think it's acceptable to call yourself a 'sexpert' if you work in the sex industry as I assume some actual knowledge is required to succeed there financially...

[3] Sure there are sexual dysfunctions, but then there are drugs and treatments for a lot of the common ones and I don’t think people should see using them as any more shameful than using aspirin when you have a headache. But still... OH THE SHAME! (To make you feel better here’s a funny story about a time I couldn’t get it up and the girl didn’t take it well...)

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