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The spread sheet - part 1

#dating #NewYork #NYC #onlinedating  #BDSM #bondage #kinky #sex #romance
So my book is progressing at a reasonable pace, but to try and maintain some internet presence I thought I'd share some extracts, so here is the first part of 'Chapter 17 - The Spreadsheet'. (I'm afraid footnotes have been sacrificed as blogger doesn't like them!)

*

Summer advanced, the mercury rose, and my online dating continued to spiral out of control. There would be phases of binge dating where I couldn't even keep track of who I ought to be messaging, sexting, or chasing dates with. However communicating with multiple girls at once probably wasn’t helping my chances of actually finding lasting dating success with any one individual... Especially when I forgot to reply to their messages... Or never got around to asking them on a date... Or couldn’t think of a good second date idea so never suggested one.


I would often scan back though my inbox and think ‘Oh shit, she was hot, why didn’t I get around to meeting her?!’... Perhaps the best thing about dating in New York is the vast number of available single people, but the worst thing about dating in New York is almost definitely the vast number of available single people.


To try and bring some order to the miasmatic chaos of my dating life I had the cunning/awful idea of creating a dating spreadsheet. The main purpose of this romance accounting system was to keep track of who I should be messaging. However when setting up the various rows and columns I may have gotten a little carried away... after names and contact info I kept adding columns; “kinkyness” was one, (just incase I forgot who was into what, or caused controversy by threatening to spank and ravage someone who had only seen my normal profile...).


The next column I titled ‘the plan/to do next’, and was intended to remind me whether I should be texting them, sexting them, proposing drinks, sending them flowers, etc, etc.


The spreadsheet continued its downhill trajectory. The next column I termed ‘personality’, as it’s always helpful to boil someone’s complex traits down to a few words in a small spreadsheet cell. Next I went lower with a column entitled ‘sexyness’... pretty self explanatory that one. Then I added three more columns: ‘texts?’, ‘dates?’, ‘sex?’... intended for yes/no answers just in case I started to develop dementia or I became trapped in such an avalanche of pussy I was unable to keep track of who I had dated and slept with.


Then in the final column I wrote: ‘this is a horrible idea WHAT HAVE I BECOME!’


I quickly deleted most of what I had typed as I was fairly sure using a spreadsheet that rated girls on sexyness and personality would significantly accelerate my transformation into some kind of terrible person… And secondly all these columns were clearly far too labour intensive to fill in! I could use that time far better actually messaging potential dates... or doing other meaningful and date unrelated things.


In the end I did use the spreadsheet for a while, but just to keep a list of names and okcupid pseudonyms for girls I was messaging, along with brief notes on whether they seemed kinky and if sexting seemed advisable. Names were then highlighted green if they seemed into me, yellow if they seemed less interested, or other colours like red, blue, and purple, if those colours seemed instinctively appropriate.


So it’s safe to say I was going on a lot of dates, I’m tempted to say they all blurred into one, but that would be a dumb lie. Each date was a distinct and novel experience, none of which I really regretted, (although maybe there were a few I might have avoided in retrospect…)


Most of these encounters could probably be spun into interesting yarns, but I’d like to finish writing this book before I grow old and senile but while still making clear to you, mon cher compatriote, the sheer number of dates I actually went on. To these ends I have composed a catalogue of ships I passed in the night….  Some of these vessels I fled, others I chased, while some merely floated past in calm waters. One way or another though most were forever lost in the fog.


Take a deep breath now, we’ll get through this together.


*


Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Joan
student
pre-med
shy
blonde
interested
looking for something casual in between studies


This was a particularly awkward date. I met in herald square, I’d planned to take her to a bar, but it turned out she was only 20 and didn’t drink, so we somehow ended up in the Starbucks next to the Empire state building. This not just the worst place to take a date ever, it may in fact be the worst place ever. Most of the fake wooden tables were occupied by dazed looking tourists and their offspring. The only spare table we found was next to one dominated by a snoring black homeless lady. This dispossessed individual was squeezed around a corner with her various derelict possessions,  just about hidden from the starbucks employees.

Dates conducted next to sleeping homeless people are not a good dates. Joan was shy and awkward and after consuming our hot drinks I hastily concluded it with a ‘I don’t think this is going to work out for either us’. She nodded, we hugged, and then I ran off into the night.



To be continued... (16 more spreadsheet dates to follow...) CLICK HERE FOR THE NEXT PART

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