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The spread sheet - part IV

#dating #NewYork #NYC #onlinedating  #BDSM #bondage #kinky #sex #romance


Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Suyin
Being young
Crazy…
and far too young
Black
Interested because it sounded cool
Young young young, way too young. (By which I mean 19... She messaged me first. Don’t judge!)

I met Suyin one Sunday for ice cream in central park, we sat by the boating lake and chatted... (Maybe I was paranoid but there seemed to be a helicopter hovering over us the entire time). Suyin conveyed a considerable amount of energy in the way she spoke and it struck me that her personality lay several miles past kooky and not too short of lunatical. She also told me that she was under the protection of ‘the skulls and daggers’, who were apparently some kind of hispanic gang in Harlem… I think there was also a good chance that she was a compulsive liar. While I may have left her with a friendly offer of future spanking, she was definitely too young for me, and I decided to try and avoid dating 19 year olds in future.

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Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Malory
Ballet dancer
Friendly, chatty
red
?
Suspiciously normal

I persuaded Malory to meet me for a late night cocktail on the way back from a friends house party. She was warm, chatty, forgiving of my lack of ballet knowledge, and also hot. You could tell she was a great person to be around, perhaps the sort of person that gets described as the ‘life and soul of the party’. We kissed passionately on the corner of 3rd avenue and E33rd street. A passer by cheered us, but we didn’t tone it down. Now whenever I walk past that corner at night the memory of that kiss resurfaces.

A second date was set but then rain checked… In the last text I had from Malory she said that she was sunning herself by a pool in Jersey and coming back into town next week... Then she stopped responding.

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Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Brooke
Psychology student
friendly but somehow reserved
blonde
?
Didn’t really drink (Only found this out after I got her to meet me in a bar)

While I took a deep slurp of beer number two, Brooke told me she didn’t drink much because her father had been an alcoholic… She didn’t seem to judge me for drinking when she wasn’t and we went on two dates in the end. Both dates were followed by making out, but in a slightly awkward and stilted kind of way (probably because only one of us had been drinking). I was up for a third date, she was not.

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Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Valerie
games developer
Tattooed gamer chick
Black
maybe?
Only in town that night and on her way to London

A last minute rendezvous on the park avenue tavern on a muggy Sunday evening. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Valerie had got to the bar first and was already sipping a cocktail and looking hot at one of it’s corners. I adopted a stool on the other side of this bar corner,  hanging my still dry umbrella on one of the hooks under the woodwork. She told me about Atlanta (where she was coming from) and I told her about England, where in 48 hours she would be landing. She refused a second drink as apparently she needed to go and meet her brother. As she slid off her bar stool a strange thing happened; she practically disappeared beneath the bar. At first I wondered if she had knelt down or something, but then she remained at that height and started walking. I realised she hadn’t fallen over but was just incredibly short... Like, probably under 4 foot 10’ and on some scale of dwarfism, short. This didn’t make her any more or less attractive to me, it just shows that I don’t pay enough attention to heights listed on peoples profiles.

The spreadsheet - part III

#dating #NewYork #NYC #onlinedating  #BDSM #bondage #kinky #sex #romance


Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Abigail
Screenplay writer
sweet
blonde?
?
Southern belle?

It was a definite air soup day when I met Abby at Drop off service in the East village. I’d been to this bar a couple of times and it had seemed date appropriate. Of course when I actually took a date there it was full of jock bros talking loudly in their american loud voices, (as if volume can somehow compensate for tiny genitalia and lack of interesting things to say). Consequently I had to repeat every other sentence I said to Abby, either because she didn’t hear me, or because I’d used some weird English expression she’d not heard before, (and often both). This was another date that only led to a hug and an unanswered text.

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Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Siena
Student
self assured
brown
defo
libertarian...

There are people who are cool, and there are people who are hard, Siena was the later. What I first saw of her were her hot profile pictures, and after she ‘starred’ both my normal and kinky profiles I was champing at the bit to meet her.

In real life Siena turned out to be more built than I had expected, almost like an amazonian rugby player who looked like she could easily take me. All her proportions were still hot, they were just a bit more intimidating in real life.

The stranger aspect to our date though was that it wasn’t really a date; Siena was moving dorm rooms one Sunday evening and somehow persuaded me to come and meet her as she was finishing up. I agreed to this, so I guess I must have been keen, and I ended up holding various doors open while we pushed the last few trolleys of her jumbled possessions through the street, up some elevators and into her new room. She was living in an all girls college and I had to leave my ID with the security guard at the door.

The ‘date’ then progressed to drinking red wine out of mugs in her new kitchen, surrounded by bare cupboards and empty dorm rooms. Siena was keen to tell me about the various wealthy guys she hung out with, some of whom had paid her to do things to them like slap them around in public. While bragging about her various kinky business connections she went into lengthy details about an investment banker friend of hers who lived in a vast upper east side penthouse, which he shared with ten different women. All of these women he was supporting financially, and sleeping with accordingly.

It wasn’t hard to see that ideas of wealth and success intoxicated Siena, but I didn’t have much to offer in this regard. My confidence was somehow drained in that stark white kitchen, with it’s cracked lino floors and humming fluorescent lights. I didn’t really feel like dominating this date... or at least that’s what I told myself after she’d escorted me out with a kiss and I had collected my ID from the door man.


The spreadsheet - part II

#dating #NewYork #NYC #onlinedating  #BDSM #bondage #kinky #sex #romance

Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Jaime
Med student
peppy
black
?
Put up to dating by her friend

Good conversation in a wine bar, I was apparently her first online date and she congratulated me on not being a weirdo... It would have been a shame to ruin this by telling her how much of a weirdo I was. I probably should have texted her to try and set up a second date... but I didn’t.


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Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Louise
Lawyer
friendly?
blonde
?
?

More nice bar based chatting, but I could tell when Louise walked in that she just wasn’t really my type.


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Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Ellie
Writer
Nerdy/
Great
brunette
yes
allergic to latex

Explored two Midtown bars with a girl who had seen all three of my profiles before we met. She was nice and liked nature and nerdy things and wasn’t ashamed of being just who she was. We ended up getting food and I didn’t even have a panic attack. I invited her back to mine, because it seemed like the thing to do. I kissed her, because it seemed like the thing to do. I stripped her, strapped her down to my bed, and fucked her hard... because it seemed like the thing to do. I texted her to make sure she had a good time and got home ok, because it made me feel like less of a bastard...




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Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Nicola
Waste management
chilled
light brown
?
Disappointingly not in the mafia

More cocktails were consumed in the Shanty in Brooklyn. Nicola lived in greenpoint and was driving so I couldn’t really get her wasted. She was hot, sciencey, and quite tall. She also had a good invention for a toilet seat to cure bowel cancer (I had to promise her I wouldn’t steal her idea before she told me about it). The date ended with a nice hug by her car, and I texted her to try and get date number two in the works. She never replied though so if ever I get a chance to steal her toilet seat invention I’m totally gonna do it now.

The spread sheet - part 1

#dating #NewYork #NYC #onlinedating  #BDSM #bondage #kinky #sex #romance
So my book is progressing at a reasonable pace, but to try and maintain some internet presence I thought I'd share some extracts, so here is the first part of 'Chapter 17 - The Spreadsheet'. (I'm afraid footnotes have been sacrificed as blogger doesn't like them!)

*

Summer advanced, the mercury rose, and my online dating continued to spiral out of control. There would be phases of binge dating where I couldn't even keep track of who I ought to be messaging, sexting, or chasing dates with. However communicating with multiple girls at once probably wasn’t helping my chances of actually finding lasting dating success with any one individual... Especially when I forgot to reply to their messages... Or never got around to asking them on a date... Or couldn’t think of a good second date idea so never suggested one.


I would often scan back though my inbox and think ‘Oh shit, she was hot, why didn’t I get around to meeting her?!’... Perhaps the best thing about dating in New York is the vast number of available single people, but the worst thing about dating in New York is almost definitely the vast number of available single people.


To try and bring some order to the miasmatic chaos of my dating life I had the cunning/awful idea of creating a dating spreadsheet. The main purpose of this romance accounting system was to keep track of who I should be messaging. However when setting up the various rows and columns I may have gotten a little carried away... after names and contact info I kept adding columns; “kinkyness” was one, (just incase I forgot who was into what, or caused controversy by threatening to spank and ravage someone who had only seen my normal profile...).


The next column I titled ‘the plan/to do next’, and was intended to remind me whether I should be texting them, sexting them, proposing drinks, sending them flowers, etc, etc.


The spreadsheet continued its downhill trajectory. The next column I termed ‘personality’, as it’s always helpful to boil someone’s complex traits down to a few words in a small spreadsheet cell. Next I went lower with a column entitled ‘sexyness’... pretty self explanatory that one. Then I added three more columns: ‘texts?’, ‘dates?’, ‘sex?’... intended for yes/no answers just in case I started to develop dementia or I became trapped in such an avalanche of pussy I was unable to keep track of who I had dated and slept with.


Then in the final column I wrote: ‘this is a horrible idea WHAT HAVE I BECOME!’


I quickly deleted most of what I had typed as I was fairly sure using a spreadsheet that rated girls on sexyness and personality would significantly accelerate my transformation into some kind of terrible person… And secondly all these columns were clearly far too labour intensive to fill in! I could use that time far better actually messaging potential dates... or doing other meaningful and date unrelated things.


In the end I did use the spreadsheet for a while, but just to keep a list of names and okcupid pseudonyms for girls I was messaging, along with brief notes on whether they seemed kinky and if sexting seemed advisable. Names were then highlighted green if they seemed into me, yellow if they seemed less interested, or other colours like red, blue, and purple, if those colours seemed instinctively appropriate.


So it’s safe to say I was going on a lot of dates, I’m tempted to say they all blurred into one, but that would be a dumb lie. Each date was a distinct and novel experience, none of which I really regretted, (although maybe there were a few I might have avoided in retrospect…)


Most of these encounters could probably be spun into interesting yarns, but I’d like to finish writing this book before I grow old and senile but while still making clear to you, mon cher compatriote, the sheer number of dates I actually went on. To these ends I have composed a catalogue of ships I passed in the night….  Some of these vessels I fled, others I chased, while some merely floated past in calm waters. One way or another though most were forever lost in the fog.


Take a deep breath now, we’ll get through this together.


*


Name
occupation
personality
hair
kinky?
Other notes
Joan
student
pre-med
shy
blonde
interested
looking for something casual in between studies


This was a particularly awkward date. I met in herald square, I’d planned to take her to a bar, but it turned out she was only 20 and didn’t drink, so we somehow ended up in the Starbucks next to the Empire state building. This not just the worst place to take a date ever, it may in fact be the worst place ever. Most of the fake wooden tables were occupied by dazed looking tourists and their offspring. The only spare table we found was next to one dominated by a snoring black homeless lady. This dispossessed individual was squeezed around a corner with her various derelict possessions,  just about hidden from the starbucks employees.

Dates conducted next to sleeping homeless people are not a good dates. Joan was shy and awkward and after consuming our hot drinks I hastily concluded it with a ‘I don’t think this is going to work out for either us’. She nodded, we hugged, and then I ran off into the night.



To be continued... (16 more spreadsheet dates to follow...) CLICK HERE FOR THE NEXT PART